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When a relationship ends and we spend time trying to understand what happened and create our story to share with the world, as to why it ended. We can at times, be looking at our partner and the faults they had. We discuss this with others and can formulate our own hypothesis. If the ex was a narcissist does this allow us to be off the hook, of our behaviour. They did this to me, because they are a narcissist.
As much as being in a narcissistic relationship if awful and can cause a lot of damage for the individual. If we are not sure and then label our ex, is this giving us justification to not work through our own stuff?
Why am I discussing this, I find quite often that when people leave a relationship and want to find a reason as to why?
Choosing a label like this, stop’s the other person looking at their behaviour and then unfortunately the person will attract the same kind of relationship again and so it continues.
I have all the things that I believed would make me happy and I feel ashamed or guilty that I can feel this way. I do not want another’s life; I just want to feel connected in mine. But how, how do I create better connections. What steps do I take to help myself to feel connected?
I wonder if this is something you can relate to, a space that feels shameful due to lack of connection.
I’m curious as to the tools you use to avoid or distract yourself from this feeling.
Drugs and alcohol
Food
Exercise
Keeping busy
How would it feel to explore this for you and what would true connection feel like, would it create a sense of fear. Is being disconnected a safety response. I’ve lived my whole life running from connection and now you want me to face that fear, and I do not know who I will be on the other side of that. Will I like that version of myself, will my friends and family like me still.
Feeling alone, loneliness and social isolation, makes people five times more likely to attempt suicide.
Increases depression and anxiety
Weight gain and loss
Reduction in libido
Spending spree’s
Over exercising or no motivation to exercise at all
What do all the factors above give you? Yes, you guessed it, a high and a low.
In connection we are chasing the feeling, things to make us feel connected, like running. Then the opposite, no exercise, to feel disconnected. The factors are short lived, and we need to continue to do the activity to recreate the cycle.
True connection to oneself, feels like you belong to you. It creates a sense of calmness and warmth. You experience seeing and hearing yourself, which allows a space to cultivate self-love. Being content with you. It may seem counterintuitive, that we feel alone and want to connect with others to feel connected. When actually, we feel alone, because we are not in tune with ourselves. Its an inside job.
Rachel Flowers - Accredited Counsellor
My name is Ray and I am a relationship counsellor. At Alone and Together I want create a safe space for clients who are struggling in relationships. I work with couples to look at loss of connection, from ourselves and each other. I work with individuals who are alone and wanting to gain an insight into who they are in relationships.
Find out more or get in touch today.