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Communication in a relationship, can be incredibly difficult. Understanding your partner's needs from the information they are giving you, can often feel, overwhelming, confusing and frustrating.
Why can you not tell me what you want? Because your partner may not actually know how to express their needs to you. When growing up, if care givers did not allow you to show your feelings and discuss what you needed. In adult hood, why would it be any different.
Couples will often express themselves by saying some phrases, hoping their partner with be able to guess what they want;
However, the phrases are just that, phrases, it is what is underneath, that the partner is not expressing. Let’s take John and Jane. John is annoyed that Jane is late home again after several times of being late and John has told Jane this many times.
When Jane comes in, John says, “you are always late getting home”. Jane, who is tired from her long day feels criticized and unappreciated, so she retaliates “well you are lazy”.
John hates it when Jane’s says this, so he comes back with another comment and so the couple then begin to argue.
The couple continue in this way of communication, and by the end, both are hurting and tired and have not resolved anything.
John has not explained to Jane how he feels about her being late;
If when, Jane came home, John explained to Jane. When she is late a lot, and he has made tea for them. He feels ignored and dismissed. He feels that Jane is not appreciating what he does. When he expresses ‘you are late home again’ he is trying to show Jane, this is bothering me.
However, his way of showing this, makes Jane feel criticized and she feels hurt. She is working late so she can get a promotion. She wants to advance in her career, so they can have more stability. She feels guilty that John is making tea and doing a lot more of the chores.
For the couple to start to understand each other better. If John says his statement “you are late home again”. Jane could respond with I hear you; it sounds like this is creating a problem, can we talk about how this is bothering you.
They can explain how the comments make them feel, instead of arguing and not resolving the core issue. Once both parties have shared their feelings, they will both have a better understanding of each other and sometimes themselves, creating a more effective way to communicate their needs.
Rachel Flowers - Accredited Counsellor
My name is Ray and I am a relationship counsellor. At Alone and Together I want create a safe space for clients who are struggling in relationships. I work with couples to look at loss of connection, from ourselves and each other. I work with individuals who are alone and wanting to gain an insight into who they are in relationships.
Find out more or get in touch today.